In case you haven’t had a chance to check out Banksy’s art, you might not understand that corporations are bad. What happens, though, when that worm turns, and the Banksy-inspired light goes on that corporations do indeed suck? Well, if the corporation has a functional or literal monopoly on a business, nothing, idiot! Kick rocks!
Here are nine companies that know you hate them and don’t care! As I count them down, pretend that I’m a contrarian commenter on Reddit and pointing out the futility in people’s reasonable grievances makes me feel like I’m playing billion dimensional chess!
So it makes you a little uncomfortable that our workers sometimes pee in bottles or get their spines permanently set into ampersands? Oh, gosh, we’re sorry about that. Here, we’ve got a recommendation: Why don’t you set up a little boycott of our business, which at this point is basically like boycotting online commerce altogether? Plus, we make entertainment now, so you can’t even watch your favorite shows to distract you from waiting three painstaking days to receive a package not delivered by sprinting, underpaid contractors? Get real!
Same here! Upset about how we treat our workers? Well, we certainly invite you to shop at any one of the many alternative stores that we have long crushed under our boot. We’ve had a hand in killing legends like Sports Authority, you think we can’t ice a mom-and-pop shop with a single price cut? Remove us from your list of local businesses? We are your local businesses, all in one monolithic, inescapable behemoth! Now buy some pants and ice cream at the same time, worm!
At least with Walmart you could, in theory, try to buy their products elsewhere. Not us, baby! We invented the thing you need, no one sells it without our permission, and if you don’t want to buy it at our price, no problem: Just go die like a dog in the street! What are you gonna do — go run to your congressperson? They’re already eating shrimp cocktail in a private suite with our lobbyists! Who cares if you give us dirty looks? We didn’t give you diabetes, we just decide how that goes for you.
I see you were trying to talk shit to our buddy pharmaceutical companies. We don’t take kindly to that, and you can expect to be punished by another doubling of your premiums. The actual cost of health care is information lost to time, like an old alchemical recipe. Want to yank the slot arm and find out how much it’s going to cost to cure your sickness without us there to guard you from the problem we created? Feel free! Oh wait, you can’t, because not owning our product is literally illegal. Sure, you can switch to another provider if you want, which is like picking a different spear to sit on.
Look, this is the price to live inside, take it or leave it. Also, I would prefer it if you sat in the middle of the space I own and try not to scuff the walls if you ever want your security deposit back. Look, the money I make comes from one thing: good, hard work. Yours. By the transitive property, that means I actually have like, two dozen jobs! If you don’t want to rent, maybe you should just buy your own property, by either putting more money than anyone in your generation has ever seen into an escrow account or moving to Wyoming. Say hi to the cows for me!
You might not like that we make our money off finding the most efficient way possible to distribute death and destruction. Luckily, your government loves it, and you’re required to give us the cash to underwrite such death and destruction every year. The only part of the transactions we make that you’re involved in is that the money was originally yours. Money that you need to abandon, in the exact right amount every year, unless you want to go to jail.
Sir, our Brooklyn viewership numbers are dropping!
Oh, our news is bad? Our coverage is unbalanced? It’s inaccurate fearmongering? What are you going to do, stop watching us? You never were! We’ve got an army of addle-brained supplicants in our treasured over-60 demo who couldn’t find the remote to change the channel even if they wanted to! They’ve got no choice but to develop thigh sores while we pump medication advertisement into their brain for top dollar.
Internet Service Providers
Don’t like your internet? Well, how much do you like no internet, punk? The fact is, since access to the internet is basically a need for modern life in every way except legislative, you got no option here. Sure, you could go to your local library when you need to go online, for as long as those lefty communist bookbins are able to stick around. Also, thanks to the massive infrastructure requirements for high-speed internet, you might be one of the 70 million people with no feasible competitor to even threaten a move to. Now go reset your router!
As long as you want to see the real Steelers logo on that field, you’ll eat our slop.
We’re the only ones allowed to make a real football game, and as long as it’s football, and technically a game, you suckers are going to eat it up. If not, have fun playing Canadian Football League 2024, with starting quarterback Patrice LeHomes.