Kick those feet up and relax, we’re just a few paragraphs away from Kourtney Kardashian pics and Peyton Manning storytime. Bartender, next round’s on me.
Before that, a question: Do you know what’s harder than lifting a weight at Planet Fitness? Cancelling your membership. Listen, I generally have no problem with the fine folks over at the judgement free zone, but I should’ve known they were as trustworthy as an ex-wife once they quit putting out free bagels and pizza post-pandemic. I mean, what incentive is there to work out if a couple slices of pepperoni and a multigrain bagel aren’t waiting for me to finish up 8 hard minutes of going ham on the elliptical?
Anyways, I’m a PF black card holder (sorry ladies, I’m taken), but I desire to no longer carry such a prestigious title. Over the last few months I’ve pieced together a rinky dink home gym that in my mind is essentially the Hart Family Dungeon 2.0.
In actuality, my “gym” is just some mismatched weights, a treadmill, the cheapest bench I could find and absolutely zero pieces of equipment that would suggest an ab is about to be in use. Because let’s be real, bench and curls get the girls, am I right? All that said, I no longer have use for my Planet Fitness membership. So I figured I’d hop online and cancel that bad boy like it’s Louie CK. But (there’s always a but), no dice. PF’s website will help you find motivation, show you the peak hours of gym attendance and provide you a virtual tour. What it won’t do is allow you to cancel your association with the business that gifted us the Lunk alarm.
No biggie- I’ll just call my local PF, thank them for the ‘za and bagels of yesteryear and get back to ripping chest day as my basement dehumidifier hums and my wife and kids pepper me with questions, ignoring the fact that I very clearly have AirPods occupying my head flaps. But alas, no dice. (If you haven’t noticed, we’re running out of dice.)
Can’t cancel online or over the phone. In order to end your relationship with Planet Fitness you have to physically go into the gym and DEMAND a cancellation by filling out a form. Alright, maybe it’s not quite Michael Scott declaring bankruptcy, but it does require an in-person visit. Not interested.
The only other option to prevent $20 bones from automatically being flushed down the throne each month – send a letter requesting cancellation. And PF recommends that said letter be delivered via certified mail. You think I’m waiting in line at the post office to send some certified mail? Hell no. I’ve got a date in the Dungeon with some bicep curls.
Listen, I know PF is making this as hard as possible so they can keep collecting those monthly fees from the thousands of Jimmy January’s who hit the gym for their New Year’s resolution three weeks straight, are never seen again and are too embarrassed to cancel their membership. But throw the rest of us a bone (or a bagel), will ya?
Now that I’ve got the heavy lifting off my chest, let’s burpee our way through some nightcaps, shall we?
Kourtney Kardashian Eats Off Her Toilet
I’ll be honest with you, I’ve never watched an episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Just not my thing. But I do respect the business empire the Killer K’s have put together. Even moreso, I applaud that they’ve been more successful popularizing big butts than Sir Mix-a-Lot – something that seemed unthinkable in the ’90s. However, I have a real problem with eating atop the same spot a personal rump roast sits. Kourtney Kardashian has no such problem.
Yep, that’s a whole damn buffet sitting by the bidet. Not my definition of appetizing.
If ever eating at the Kardashian compound, I suggest snacking from Mrs. Travis Barker’s freezer instead of the bathroom.
By the way Planet Fitness, Kourtney’s still fine with chowing down on pizza. What’s your excuse?
Zeros Are Hitting NFL Rosters
From talking number 2 to number 0 we go. If you missed it, the NFL announced on Tuesday that they’re allowing all players (other than offensive and defensive lineman) to wear the number 0.
I hate it. In fact, get off my lawn with this new rule.
*A lawn that is maintained by a proud member of the Thursday Night Mowing League*
The only 0’s that should be worn within professional sports are the ones that adorned the torso of Robert Parish. The Chief was so good he needed two of ’em.
You thought I was going with a Parish Celtics pic didn’t you? Nope. Couldn’t pass up the chance to pay homage (isn’t it weird when people pronounce it without the “h”, even if that’s correct?) to his Buzz City days.
Speaking of days, bet you’d be in quite the daze if you were getting your Bode Miller on and this happened:
Oh, and now that we’ve transitioned (he/him/they) from days to daze, let’s talk about some damn beer!
Stop The Michelob Ultra Slander!
Alright tough guys, listen up. I’m a proud Michelob Ultra drinker (so what if I want to feel beautiful!), and I’ve had enough of the Mich Ultra slander. Week by week the beer guzzlers are lining up to talk down on Ultra’s as if they’re drinking super beers. The guilty parties are generally those who prefer to sip on one of three spirits: Bud Light, Miller Lite, or Busch Light. Their argument generally centers around their beer being stronger than Michelob Ultra and blah, blah, blah. Well, good thing I brought my buddy Facts along with me:
Calories: Bud Light: 110, Ultra and Busch: 95, Miller: 96
Carbs: Bud Light: 6.6 grams, Ultra: 2.6, Miller and Busch: 3.2
ABV: Bud Light, Ultra, Miller: 4.2%, Busch Light: 4.1%
Looks like Michelob Ultra’s hitting for the cycle.
Who wouldn’t want some of this (the beer looks good too)?
And did I mention that Peyton Manning endorses Ultra? If it’s good enough for Eli and Cooper’s brother, it’s good enough for me. However, if Peyton jumps ship I may have to reconsider because without Peyton Manning…
Oh, and don’t even come at me with IPA nonsense. I don’t need to pay $18.99 for a six pack because it has a couple extra hops and a creative name.
Before we pivot from drinking, let’s check in on seaside sud consumption during spring break.
Beer funnels have changed quite a bit since my days of stumbling through Panama City Beach, Florida. That said, this appears to be an organic funnel which should appease those who are concerned with an abundance of plastic polluting our environment. Seems worth a shot.
And since we’re talking Spring Break, who agrees that the most disturbing thing about this picture is that this guy owns crocs?
MLB Opening Day Is Nearing
All 30 Major League Baseball clubs open the season tomorrow. Personally, I was hoping the Marlins would wait to open the season until Friday so they could dust off these bad boys.
The first few days of the MLB’s marathon coincide with the NCAA Tournament’s Final Four. San Diego State’s amongst the quartet of teams with a shot at a title.
So, Anthony, how are you going to transition from MLB to the Final Four you ask?
Easy. I’ll do so with an assist from Tony Gwynn.
Gwynn played four years of hoops with the Aztecs, but just three seasons of baseball. He’s tied for most assists in a game (18) in school history.
You know who else made the Final Four? Utah Valley. It was the Final Four of the NIT, but who’s keeping track (probably guys that drink IPA’s and can’t wait to tell you about it)? Anyways, their school president was geeked to be on tv for the first time ever.
But not quite as geeked as these kids on the playground who are apparently being taught adding and subtracting by a Steph Curry clone in Connecticut.
One more Final Four note: Ride with the Tony Gwynn’s alma mater this weekend. Mattress Mack has his paws all over the FAU Owls. As my OutKick nightcaps brethren Zach Dean can attest, that’s one set of hooters you’re gonna want to avoid.
Visiting The Jersey (Are You) Sure?
From the playground to the hardwood we go for this week’s edition of odd jerseys in odd places. We’ll lead with a gem I saw with my own two eyes while attending the Cleveland Cavaliers game on Sunday.
Do not adjust your eyes. Our guy – in the much better seats than me – is rockin’ a Spurs Manu Ginobili jersey. You might be thinking, ‘Ok, Manu’s retired, but if the Cavs are hosting San Antonio, who cares?’ And therein lies the problem. Cleveland was playing the Rockets. This dude had the wrong Texas team.
This next one comes from nightcaps reader Joshua Dale, and it’s a doozy.
An explanation, per our guy Joshua: “With Matt Gay leaving the Rams to fleece the Colts, my Rams Gay jersey is no longer relevant (though it sort of stopped being relevant after Gay switched to number 8 because DeSean Jackson wanted to wear number 1).”
Stavros Halkias On Lamar Jackson
Another NFL player who appears ready to change teams is Ravens QB Lamar Jackson. Comedian Stavros Halkias, a noted Baltimore fan, gave his take on Jackson’s desire to leave the Charm City. And he did so in his best Baltimore venacular.
Anyone have Joe Flacco’s number?
All that Flacco talk has me thinking of GOATS…
What I’m (Not) Eating This Week
Fried chicken: check. Glazed donuts: check. Honey BBQ Sauce: check. Love all three. All three together: uncheck. That’s a trio that should work as well within New York as Durant, Harden and Kyrie.
By the way, send me your pics (but not in a creepy way!). If you’ve stumbled upon some ballpark heart attack between a set of buns or struggled to slurp down an alcohol-infused milkshake that’s bigger than your head, let’s see it. Email me: email@example.com or find me on Twitter: @OhioAF.
Time To Finish Strong
We’ve reached the point of nightcaps where I’m going to identify as a 32-year-old sexually unsatisfied married mother and unleash my version of a Facebook photo dump – filters not included:
This next one hits home. Leave me alone Valvoline. The airfilter’s lasted me four years, I think I can manage another six months.
And just incase ESPN needs some content for the final few days of Women’s History Month.
My time here is up. There’s weights in the basement that aren’t going to stare at themselves. I gotta run!
*OutKick’s Nightcaps is a daily column that runs weekdays around 4pm EST.
Follow along on Twitter: @OhioAF